“I’m not able to do this,”
speaks my heavy spirit.
Hope, kept deep inside fights back,
“But thanks to God, He can.”
“I can’t get it right,” spoke discouragement who found a seat in my heart.
The Spirit inside stands with the fact,
“Thanks to God He did.”
A war takes place. I read the Word, because I’m encouraged to do so. I turn to Psalm 42, and discover my feelings and soul are weighted with woes as the Psalmist so many thousand years ago, ”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God . . .
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breaker have swept over me.”
The heaviness won’t leave. Fretfulness bombards every cell. I continue to read,
I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me? Psalm 42:9-11.
The open Book breathes my own inner turmoil. The Living Word pleads,
“Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God”
As if I was handed, from the Spirit of God a personal prescription against the flood of fear and doubt. This Psalm invites me to seek the Spirit of God that I might sing in the rain.
The Book cries aloud, words I hold deep. Flooding over even to the next chapter.
“Vindicate me, my God,
and plead my cause
against an unfaithful nation.
Rescue me from those who are
deceitful and wicked.
You are God my stronghold” Psalm 43:1-2.
I imagine the Psalmist making a change, becoming secure and calmed until I continue reading aloud, only to discover the continued doubt and reminder of hurt.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
One phrase of exaltation and yet three thoughts of drowning pain. All in the same verse.
But, then I think, maybe I’m not crazy. The psalmist penned this up and down sequence which, at this time, mirrors me, exactly. This might simply be common occurrence of all mankind.
I know God as my stronghold and defense, yet I wrestle. I fight.
“Am I praying at all? What’s prayer anyway?”
“What’s God’s will when everything seems so wrong?”
“What’s going on?”
“Am I ‘trying’ to worship?”
“Is there meaning to the agony and unrest?”
Is it simply to turn to the One Who is Able and discover, He’s already at work on getting me through this test.
Living waters then spill out solutions for the darkness and the sudden attack of doubt,
“Send me your light and your faithful care,
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
God dwells in praise, but praise seems so difficult. “Spirit of God, drown the doubt out of my way. And as the psalmist, I will follow through;
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.”
A change does happen. Supernatural change. Psalm 43:5 has my soul speaking it’s consolation,
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.”
Altered at the altar, I look to speak a hymn that can flood my insides with a happy condition:
Free from the law, O happy condition, by Philip Bliss, 1834.
Jesus hath bled, and there is remission;
Cursed by the law and bruised by the fall,
Grace hath redeemed us once for all.
Chorus:
Once for all, O sinner, receive it,
Once for all, O friend, now believe it;
Cling to the cross, the burden will fall,
Christ hath redeemed us once for all.
Now we are free, there’s no condemnation,
Jesus provides a perfect salvation;
“Come unto Me,” O hear His sweet call,
Come, and He saves us once for all.
[Chorus]
“Children of God,” O glorious calling,
Surely His grace will keep us from falling;
Passing from death to life at His call,
Blessed salvation once for all.
[Chorus]
Why so downcast, O my soul?
“Spirit of God, You supernaturally have answered my call.”