How do we let hurt feelings heal?
Don’t revisit! Don’t rekindle the flames! Don’t go back and let the enemy gain. ‘Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His glorious face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.’ (1)
We will pray from our whole heart, broken and torn. We will cry out for greater faith to see Love through the thorns:
‘ In You O God, I seek refuge. I will put my trust. Let my hope in You not be disappointed. Deliver me in Your righteousness! Bow down Your ear, O God. Speedily, deliver me! My rock of refuge, my strong fortress – be!(2)
Do we have neighbor, friend, or even family write us off as evil? We will not be greatly moved by opinion – our prayer has been written. King David cries out to God in his song, Psalm 31, To the chief musician, A Psalm of David, written for us all:
“For I have heard the slander of many, terror on every side! While they schemed together against me, they plotted to take my life. But I trusted, relied on and was confident in You. O Lord; I say, You are my God. My hope is in You. (3)
How do we let hurt feelings heal? We open God’s word. We cry out the prayers and the songs that have been written to a living God, “our Father in heaven,” …
“His kingdom come” – He is with you and me – “His will be done” – that we cry out to see, like blind Bartameus, open our eyes, “My times are in Your hand, dear Lord, deliver me from the hand of my foes and those who pursue and persecute me!” (4)
How do we let hurt feelings heal? We will not get our wisdom from philosophy of man, we will follow the King’s steps, we will ‘hide under the shadow of the wings’ of God – we we rest in the midst of God’s – powerful – right – hand!
“Let the lying lips be silenced! Lips with pride and contempt! Let me not be put to shame, O Lord, or disappointed; for I am calling upon You! O how great is Your goodness” (5) … in my trouble I choose, in the chaos, in the dust, O God, I worship You!
We will be strong. We will let our hearts take courage. “O love the Lord, all you His saints; the Lord preserves the faithful,“(6), those faithful to seek cover in the blood of the Lamb who was slain in great punishment for all the sin of all men.
We will sing a new song, not a song of strife from the past. We will sing as the king, to the King of all Kings: “Oh soul are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness to see? There’s a light for a look at the Savior! And life, more abundant and free.”
“So turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth, …
will grow strangely dim, …
in the light of His glory and grace.”
Psalm 31 verse 5, our ending prayer: “Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me, O Lord God of truth and faithfulness.” In You I find my rest – Selah (we will pause and consider all of this!)
(1) Hymn: Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Helen H. Lemmel.
(2) Psalm 31: 1,2. (paraphrased by me).
(3) Psalm 31:13-15, (with my paraphrase to make rhyme!)
(4) Psalm 31:15.
(5) Psalm 31:18, 17.
Category: My Story
"Can't I walk a good and wholesome life, and be separate from claiming Jesus Christ?"
“Can’t I walk a good and wholesome life, and be separate from claiming Jesus Christ? Why does Jesus have to be the only way to secure heaven for me? Can’t God see that I’m good and kind and helpful each day, isn’t that enough? That’s my question today?
Questions of man. Big questions too. Asked from man to man in sincerity in truth…
This was me, years ago. Exactly! I wanted to know! (I put exclamation points after the thoughts because I understand if this is you- ’cause I was there…I read of Edward Casey and was out on a limb…), yes, I was there. Confusion and questions everywhere!
So, I must ask, instead of answer, my question to your thoughts: “Have you taken your burden of unanswered questions to God? To God, do you ask? Have you asked Him directly? He is able to hear.
Just because your eyes can’t see Him, He hears and He speaks…if you really want answers to questions like these,
talk to God and ask Him sincerely…
but you can’t find the answers In the clouds, or the trees…they’ve been written, yes, written words, they’ve been breathed!
If you have trouble knowing what to do, start asking, seeking and knocking on The door of God’s heart. He will guide you out of the dark.
Open His word. Pray to Him. Ask for ears to receive. Open the Book, The Holy Bible. Ask Him what to believe!
God is faithful. God is good. He will show you the way…if you want more than to be understood!
Do you want to be ‘right?’ Or do you really want to hear? Hey, I was in your place with questions like this…But God…
He knew my questions were sincere.
He did more than just speak words on the page…He began to open my eyes to His love and His grace. He brought me to still waters,…
I could see the reflection of me, and my pride and compulsive and impulsive ways, and my resentful and selfish and easily angered sways.
There is peace like a river in His word if you choose.
So, what about Jesus? He will show you the Truth. God will answer your questions, as you walk with Him through the Gospels of Luke, and John, and Mark, and Matthew!
You can really know someone by the prayers that they pray. ‘Suffer’, ‘allow’ me to share the prayer Jesus prayed – straight from God’s word, the rhyming will end… But I pray you are touched by God… Through Him:
“Father the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You,
“As You have given Him authority over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as You have given Him.
“And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
“I have glorified You on the earth. I have finished the work which You have given Me to do.
“And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.
“I have mane feared Your name to the men whom You’ve given Me out if the world. They were Yours, You gave them to me, and they have kept Your word…”
“I pray for them the words which You have given Me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came forth from You; and they have believed that You sent Me…
“Now I am no longer in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to You Father, keep through Your name those whom You have given Me, that they may be one as We are…
“O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me.
“And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the live with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.”(John 17, in part… But please read it in its entirety)…
If you read this far, please let me know – if you believe and receive God’s great forgiveness, through the blood of His Son whom He sent , Jesus !
He has washed your sins white as snow! How do we know? How can we know?
The Bible! Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so.
"Tell me something good."
“Tell me something good.”
“Are your ears open then? What’s the focus of your eyes? Take a minute to see into your heart, is it bleeding in pain from loss, or even shame? Or is your heart hardened by kicks and pushes and mean looks and lies?”
“I will tell you something good. In your sorrow, in your pain, in your brokenness and even in your shame. God loves you. The true and living God, the One Who sent His Son, He loves with an everlasting love- and He is forever the same.”
“There is no shadow of turning with Him. He sees your doubts, he sees your fears, he knows the anger and the hurt. He even counts your tears.”
“He doesn’t give up on you. He is waiting… He ‘suffers long.’ He is able to accomplish all that concerns you today. But there is one requirement on your part – oh, not to ‘do good’ and ‘get your act together’, don’t you know the Power of His Spirit will do that in and through you all-together! No, not that, those you will do in the Power of His name, –
but first, open your ears, and lift up your eyes, and hear and see the Love in His eyes. Can you see His hands reaching out to you? They are scarred just like your life, but they are healed – through and through! And if you cry out His name with your willing but broken heart, He will take hold of it and wash the doubt and fear and sin all away. He will comfort and mend and wrap you in compassion…
His name is Jesus. So you ask, “how do you know all this then?”
“Because, this is my story. I just tell you again, what God did for me when I was broken and torn – even beyond what I thought, any remedy! But He came and He showed me His love, and yes… He reached out His hands-that I might see that ‘He knew’. So I tell you today, because I know deep in my heart – it doesn’t matter where you’ve been, what you’ve done or gone through – Jesus, He is the Good Shepherd after all,
and you His dear lamb, He is calling… you!”
“Can you hear His voice? Ask Him to Help! He will show you truly, that you are His love, and YOU are His choice!”
(“Where do I get all my information? Yes, the Good Word, the Bible! Read it aloud, it will give you great satisfaction!”)
"Not all know Me as their King…"
I was very sick, laying on the couch after my third chemo treatment of some very rough and tough ‘poisons’ that the Medical Professionals chose to destroy the cancer cells within my body… and, quite frankly, only hours after the chemicals were set free to run through my bone marrow, I could ‘feel’ the death of the cells in my body. And quite honestly, I almost thought that this was going to be the ‘death of me!’ BUT GOD…(!)
You see, chemo to me can be expressed by God’s word in many places, one of which is (2 Corinthians 7:5,6). (The other, Ps. 18, which I share at the end!)
Back to 2 Corinthians 7:5,6, Paul wrote in words inspired by God, of his experience, and it resembles my own experience: “For indeed, when we came to Macedonia,” (for me, it’s when I came to the infusion room!), “…our flesh had no rest, but we were troubled on every side. (Oh, yes, just ask someone on chemo, they will attest to all this!), Outside were conflicts, inside were fears, NEVERTHELESS GOD, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus.” (Only, for me, it was, ‘my flesh had no rest after the chemicals and inside there were fears), Nevertheless God comforted me by His hands and feet and heart and mouth of His Body! The Body of Christ being moved with compassion, to pray and pray hard. Being moved to bake and cook. Being moved to shop for a large family, (even for Christmas!) The Love of Christ moving His people to send cards of encouragement and love. The provision and gifts- unbelievable!
If one says, “I can’t ‘see God,’ I would like to write right here, “Open your ears and hear the stories, and let your hunger and thirst for truth bring you to a place where His word comes down from the shelf, and your broken and empty and seemingly empty heart, cry out in desperation, and let Him fill it, not in a ‘very long time’ but ‘immediately’ with His love and Spirit! He is alive and He alone can open your eyes, He is Almighty God, He is able to turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh-beating again with hope and life and light and the greatest of all, love! He can and He will, and He does to all who cry out to Him.
I know, I was one who cried! And one who continues to cry out!
God spoke to me! Not audibly, I didn’t hear a ‘voice’, but I heard the words spoken from a book I had read to my children time and time again, I share this story again and again because it’s true. It’s my experience. And God is a personal God and He personally met me in a very dark hour, one I thought to be my darkest – but He showed up!
My eyes were closed, I ‘felt’ as if I was given too much chemo…I started talking to God, “shouldn’t I be seeing lights? But then in the dark I saw a door, and the door opened and He showed me His nail-scarred hands, and I heard the thoughts: “Not all know Me as their King.”
Right then, I knew I was going to survive this cancer fight! And right then and there, God gave me my marching orders! You see, “the heavens declare the glory of God,…” (Psalm 19:1), but it’s His word that is “perfect and converts the soul,” (Psalm 19:7).
Yes, I play a ‘one-stringed guitar’ it seems in that I write the same things over and over, but we are sheep, and we need the Good Shepherd! He ‘makes us to lie down’ sometimes because we are so focused on the thorns and the heat that we don’t even notice God is making us to lie down on ‘pastures of green’ and that He is working all for good to ‘restore our souls’. He doesn’t desire ‘happy’ sheep,He desires ‘holy sheep!’
He allows these things in our lives so we walk in light and are enveloped by His grace and in brokenness finally ‘see the LORD!’ “Yea, though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, we fear no evil because He is with us!” (Psalm 23).
“My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part-but the WHOLE! Has been nailed to the cross! And I bear it no more- Praise the Lord! It is well with my soul!”( Hymn: It is Well With My Soul).
I couldn’t say in the beginning that I was thankful for my trials, but I can say now – I am thankful! I will end with victory words from Psalm 18 God gave me way before I was even close to being victorious in heart, mind and body:
“For who is God, except the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and sets me on my high places. He teaches my hands to make war, So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.”
“You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, your gentleness has made me great. You enlarged my path under me; so that my feet did not slip.”
“I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; Neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed. I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; They have fallen under my feet. For You armed me with strength for the battle; you have subdued under me those who rose up against me.”
“You have also given me the necks of my enemies…The LORD lives! Blessed be my Rock! Let the God of my salvation be exalted.” (Psalm 18:31-46).
This is my story, this is my song! Praising my Savior…all the day long… while it is day…while it is day!
Shall we say Amen? Amen! Amen! and even again, Amen!
That is why I thank and love my Jesus! He rescued me from a powerful enemy! My own doubt and fear and shame! He gave me hope and life forever and ever and ever and ever…to God be the Glory – “HOW GREAT THOU ART!”
Writing my book about Jenny. My champion and great witness always…
You see, Jenny…she couldn’t get out of bed- paralyzed- the term ‘quadriplegic’ doesn’t even fit the bill in my mind because every breath that was taken needed to be helped by a respirator, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year! And God ‘told her’ that He was going to heal her, and Jenny BELIEVED GOD! Yes, with setbacks of doubt and great sorrow at times, Jenny’s faith only grew! Jenny believed God in the beginning and Jenny BELIEVED GOD in the end- do you know why? I will tell you why -because God’s grace WAS sufficient for her: “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, then my power is made perfect in you.” (2 Corinthians 12:8,9). And, just to get the record straight – God DID heal her! And He used her witness to bring healing in me as well, (But not past tense, continual healing as I tell her story!)
I write because I ‘witnessed’ God’s grace and God’s power made perfect in her! Jenny always encouraged the book that I am (present tense), writing called “God’s Hand”, but little did I know, God was showing me before my very eyes, by witnessing the life of Jenny, “Toni, you write the book as you breathe and walk and move ‘in Me’ each day!” Jenny is My witness. Jenny wrote the book called “God’s Hand!”
And trust me, I witnessed God’s hand, especially in Jenny’s final weeks. He was not distant, He was not far, He was right THERE literally making Jenny’s bed!
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin which so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” (Hebrews 12:1).
God knew I NEEDED Jenny, and perhaps, today, you do too. Are you going through a fiery trial:
“Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you;” (1 Peter 4:12).
Well, I DID ‘think it strange’ the trial I was going through, but it was NOTHING compared with what Jenny had to face each and every waking day! Not only could I ‘literally’ get out of bed, but I could ‘walk’ into my kitchen and I could give myself a drink of water. I could blow my nose when I cried. I could move my own hair around until I was satisfied.
Jesus said, “for without Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5). For Jenny, SHE could DO NOTHING!” This was a FIERY TRIAL! But I write about Jenny because she had eyes for Jesus! And her heart trusted in Him and His word! I could ‘DO’ many things and get myself in lots of trouble, BUT GOD gave me Jenny that I might witness someone face a ‘fiery trial’ with temps much hotter than anything I had to go through and come out PURE GOLD- and I’m not just writing ‘nice words’ about a friend who suffered – I am writing about a champion who made moment – by – long – and treacherous – moment – to trust and believe in Jesus.
I must confess, and Jesus knows this first hand, that I had a lot of PRIDE! (Correction, ‘have’). Pride is something us human beings will always have trouble with! God help us! And we, as human beings do not want to hear that we have pride! But we like to hear that ‘God’s grace is sufficient’. It is said that the word is sweet as honey, but it is also, when chewed on and ingested into the system – bitter to the stomach: (Revelation 10:9), ‘And I went to the angel and said to him, “Give me the little book.” And he said to me, “Take and eat it; and it will make your stomach bitter, but it will be as sweet as honey in your mouth.”
So, we love to hear how ‘the grace of God is sufficient’, but in 2Corinthians 12, Paul writes how he had seen a vision of Paradise, “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-9).
“Yah, that’s Paul the Apostle, not me!” I would say in my heart! And chewing on the next verse is even more ‘bitterness to the stomach’: “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”(2 Corinthians 12:10).
What human being, in their right mind, can ‘take pleasure in infirmities!’ All I know is, I was NOT taking pleasure in mine!
So, I had acquired Rheumatoid Arthritis that same week that this ‘swim mom from the Y’ became paralyzed overnight! Right off the bat, God used Jenny. My trial was nothing compared to hers!
Then my husband made an ‘unpopular decision’ in the eyes of man, yet feeling obedience in his heart toward God and the Lord that He loves and seeks to obey each and every day,(yes, I mean that to be present tense!), (after a year of prayer) chose to resign from his job (at a time when there was ‘economic crisis’ in our country, looking the ‘fool’- but this man had already been thought the ‘fool’ because it certainly does not seem ‘responsible’ to TRUST GOD for your family planning. My husband seeks to ‘obey God’ even to his own hurt. I am married to a man of faith.)
So, being married to a ‘man of great faith’ having the ‘gift of faith’ and me – simply feeling ‘faith-less’ so much of the time after the ‘fiery trial’ and drowning in confusion and doubt and fear – I would think of Jenny – who ‘got out of bed’ in her heart and mind and LIVED a life of faith. And I would think, “If Jenny can believe God and face her day and love her family in great weakness, then I can too!”
Jenny was my ‘distant’ witness for 4 1/2 years. I would think of Jenny, and ‘chat’ occasionally with her when she ‘wheeled’ her way into the Y by blowing through this ‘straw-like’ connection to her wheelchair that would enable her to roll herself in.
Then the diagnosis of stage 2 evasive breast cancer! I would wake up and say, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…”(Psalm 23) and then…I would ‘remember Jenny!’ “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; (1 Peter 4:12)…
‘If Jenny can do it, then so can I’, I would think. I made the choice to ‘chew on the word’, even the bitter, not just the honey.
The bitter: “But I must not become too proud of the wonderful things that were shown me. So a painful problem was given to me.” (2 Corinthians 12:7), “This problem is a messenger from Satan. It is sent to beat me and keep me from being too proud.” (2 Corinthians 12:7).
Who wants to think on that!? Oh my! who wants a ‘thorn in the flesh?’ And what in the world do those words mean anyway?! All I know is ‘brokenness brings humility’ and the word ‘fun’ can not be found anywhere near. But through chemo and surgery and chemicals continuing…I chose to keep chewing on God’s word and always, remembering Jenny, who God would in turn use to ‘show’ me with my very eyes, even sweeter than honey: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
This is just the beginning of the story, because there finally came that day, when I called Jenny on the phone to tell her, “Jenny, God has used you in my life to literally get me out of bed in the morning…for years!”
Part II for another time.
“Dear Lord, I write to give glory to You. Because God, You’ve got us in Your hand. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, You love and You use everything…and You, dear Lord, You DO, ‘ work all things together for good to those who love God and are called according to Your purpose.'(Romans 8:28). Thank you so much for giving me that precious and personal friendship with Jenny. Unless I write to tell about it, only You and me and Jenny will know. Please bless the organization of words- mine, simply the story, Yours, the power – that many who feel ‘paralyzed’ as I did because of circumstances and sickness, and depression and fear will be touched by Your Spirit and ‘rise up and walk’ with new life. In Jesus name, Amen.” “Then sings my soul, my Savior God the Thee, How Great Thou Art! How Great Thou Art…”
I didn't know…but I 'knew it all!'
I didn’t know –
but I ‘knew it all!’ I was self-propelled. I was living, so I thought… and the theme to my rhythm was,”Nothing’s gonna rain on my parade” and “I’ll do it my way!” My thoughts were loud and clanging inside my head and they ‘breathed fire’ I suppose and when I looked in the mirror the reflection was often, “I am woman hear me roar!” …yet deep, deep inside, where no one could see, not even myself in all my complexity – was a pit so dark and empty and I didn’t know…
but it was filled to the brim with doubt and insecurity.
Why do I struggle to write these words? What’s the purpose anyhow?
If I can spare one single soul from ‘walking the hell’ of internal insanity- it is worth it! It is worth it! I will fight for the words that might keep some interest. I will fight because…
fear and doubt enveloped me and there was NO POWER to escape their snare. My ‘goals’ were but vapor, I was standing on ‘sinking ground,’ I was ‘grasping for the wind! My dreams…they had wings. My mind at times felt spinning and chaotic, without being sound. So I ran in ‘self-destructive’ path each and every day. Two steps forward and 5 the other way!
I hope you don’t know this place in which I’m writing. I hope you don’t understand a single word I say…but I write, just in case there is even, just one – who can end up writing the very same story. So in 500 words I plan to write a novel, because we just don’t have time for these things. So we race and rush to keep up with the ‘urgent’ that we don’t even have time for our ‘dreams’.
A song written years ago by Warwick to Alfie, asks the same questions as I, when the road I was on suddenly split 2 directions: “What’s it all about Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live?…Are we meant to take more than we give? Or are we meant to be kind?”
“And if, only fools are kind, Alfie, then I guess it is wise to be cruel.”
“And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie, what will you lend on an old golden rule?”
So I listened with intensity to the words of the song, hoping for some answers to find: “I believe in love, Alfie. Without true love we just exist…until you find the love you’ve missed, you’re nothing Alfie.” So I pondered this thought …’Until you find the love you’ve missed, your nothing Alfie, …your nothing Alfie,… your nothing… until you find the love you’ve missed…
I was missing ‘true love’. ‘Without ‘true-love’ we just exist…’ I didn’t know, but I had to KNOW True Love.
But then I learned, that in all things ‘bad’, in the chaos, the sickness, the great loneliness inside – True Love held out His Hand… to me. I was hungry, I was broken, I was a mess, beside… But True Love reached way down in that deep- dark pit, and He said, “Let there be light,!” and there was light!
Even when no one else would, True Love held out His Hand, and He forgave me and He took my old-hard stubborn heart, and He gave me a new one and He breathed in me life. And, He says to me daily, “I love you. Will you be my Bride?”
“What’s it all about, Alfie? Alfie, it’s all about True Love- His name is Jesus. He – will – never – leave your side!
Why 'give back?' Because, I've been 'given!'
If I can write a story that inspires someone to hope again, then I have succeeded. I had no hope. I was suffering and despairing, I was low. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and my whole family of 13.
(And yes, they were all mine biologically, and no, we are not Catholic, or Jewish (!) (I would always be asked in NJ). “No we just love Jesus.” was our answer.
The thorns of this life had torn and ripped and brought great loss. Now we had bleeding hearts. And it seemed as if each of us was all alone, each with our own pain, because loss sometimes brings a void of words.
Even in the ‘trying’ to heal, I opened the Bible to page 1 and after reading the word “GOD”, all I could see was, “The earth was…an empty waste, and darkness was upon the face…”(Gen. 1:2). “Yes, that’s me…” is all I could feel.
I remember going for a long walk, all alone. I cried out to God! Yes, out loud with tears down my face – this was a desperate cry to God. Yes, I even yelled at Him! I yelled, “I will never get over this!” “I will never get over this.” And I believed my words. I believed my words!
But my words weren’t true. You see, two weeks later… (and I imagine you are thinking, “Oh, everything smoothed out and the pain and hurts were taken care of.”) Well, think again! Two weeks later it was discovered that I had a very large tumor on my right breast, 5cm x 7cm. I now had great loss AND breast cancer! Truly it seems as if God is mean and heart-less. That God is distant and just doesn’t care.
But something happened – something amazing and huge and transforming and good.
My family was injured so they were numb, but God had a plan. Do you know, (of course you don’t know. That’s why I’m telling my story, so that you WILL know…), that the neighboring community gathered together and extended rides for me to the infusion room – sometimes people I didn’t even know! Friends came and sat with me for hours while I received my poiso…I mean…chemo! People sacrificed their time…for me.
A dear sweet woman in her late 80’s who lived 5 states away sat down and wrote in a beautiful card with flowers every Tuesday, week after week with the hand written words, “In God we trust” on the envelope and the words “I am praying for you and your family daily, Love Bea” . Every Thursday week after every ‘bald and sick’ week I received mail from what seemed the very the hands of God saying, “I love you.” “I am with you.” “I will never leave you.” “I have not forsaken you.”
The swim team of the Y(MCA) that we were members of rallied together and gathered gift cards of activities and eating places so the children could focus on life and health and hope! For a large family, this is a BIG deal! The Y provided a way for the kids to ‘kick out’ their anger’ that they couldn’t even understand at the time, to ‘kick out’ their fear and uncertainty. The Y was a finger of the strong hand of God for each of my children, saying, “I’ve got a hold of you during this storm.”
Do you want to hear something HUGE? Well, women from the local church were touched and being that I was sick through the Thanksgiving and Christmas season, they decided to go shopping for the 8 children I had living at home at the time! Yes, the woman went Christmas shopping for my family! The evening they came walking in like Santa with large contractor bags, (yes, 4 of them!), filled with goodies for my kids, I felt like George in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life!’ God walked through the door saying, “I love you!” “I am with you and your family!” Each of you are special to me. I know your names, I know your shoe size. I want to bless you.”
Wonderful, well thought out dinners with amazing desserts and cookies walked their way down our sidewalk through our door being carried by busy people who chose to give their time and substance and effort for me and my family for weeks and weeks! We saw God! We saw the very hand of God! (And somehow, the kids think that dessert comes after every meal now!)
The dinners didn’t always seem appetizing to me however, because I was very sick on the chemo. So, for many weeks, one of my friends came and shared time and love and …you guessed it, her home-made chicken soup. I had hope because I could hear once again the amazing sound of God’s grace, “Toni, I know what you need. I am here for you.”
I was empty and in the face of darkness, but the “Spirit of God moved upon the …” hearts of His people. And I was healed.
I was healed of everything that hurt me. The cuts were still there from the thorns, but they healed. God’s hand reached down to touch us through the hearts, minds, hands, and feet of others.
God had a plan. He was working a work of compassion in my heart. But first, He had to allow the ‘rug to pulled out from under my feet’.
I had no hope, but now I hope to better spot the person that feels ’empty and void and filled with darkness.’ And now, I hope to ‘give back’ – be it a card, or a phone call, or prayer with someone, or a song…(you don’t have to ‘join an organization’ to do that!)
Those little things are as big as the hand of God! I know first-hand.
Why ‘give back?’ Because I’ve been ‘given!’
Evening, then the morning!
“In the beginning…And the evening and the morning were the first day.” (Gen. 1:5). Not all can agree with Gen. 1:1.”In the beginning God create the heavens and the earth.” However, I believe, most agree that darkness comes before the dawn. It is written: ‘God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. So the evening and the morning were the first day.” (Gen 1:5).
‘Evening and the morning’ were the ‘first day’. God understands and He even told us Himself, in just the 5th verse of the whole of the Bible that ‘darkness comes before the dawn.’In God’s time keeping, There is evening, then there is morning! Darkness before the light. Night then the Day.
Every expectant mama understands these things.Think of the ‘little one’s’ in the womb, how dark and quiet it is…and then there is the ‘dawn’ of birth! The birthday! ‘So the evening and the morning were the first day!’ Yes, we understand this perfectly. And from that day, we learn quickly but we start with ‘darkness’ in understanding and we grow and learn and ‘light’ of knowledge is continually ours as we become increasingly educated.
But spiritually – are we still in the dark? Is it still night? Maybe there was no need for the light, you could see spiritually perfectly well in the dark. It was on a Friday, 4 years ago, and I was sitting in an infusion chair receiving some ‘Red Devil’ as my nurse called it, (Adriamiacyn and Taxol, to be exact, [with perhaps a spelling error]). So needless to say, physically, I wasn’t feeling so well. However, Stephanie came to join me that day as I had 5 lovely hours to sit and be loaded up with this ‘stuff’, (I will say not to offend the medical community, but we all know good and well, this ‘stuff’ is ‘death’ to hopefully some cancer cells, but also ALOT of good as well!)
I was there on a Friday by accident. I usually came in on Thursday to get my chemo. But there was need for me to come instead on the Friday, and Stephanie made effort to help me on Fridays. Well, Stephanie has a passion and it is God’s Word! And we were talking about something really exciting about God’s ‘covenant’ with us and that we are His Bride, and He is so faithful to love and to cherish us and there is no parting in death. And He faithfully ‘cut’ His covenant with us with much suffering and pain, just like we wear rings around our fingers as a symbol of our ‘marriage covenants’, etc. And quite honestly, we were both as happy and excited as can be in our conversation as we were rejoicing in the LORD and talking of how great our God is. (So, you are wondering, “hmmm, did Toni get off track here? Why this story?”)
I will tell you ‘why’. Because across from me was seated a woman, maybe in her early 40’s, connected to ‘poisons’ as well. Her name was Lauren. She had battled colon cancer courageously and was a school teacher during her 3 year battle, but THIS DAY was her first day to receive chemo because of metastatic cancer. You see, the cancer had now spread into the liver. This was a whole new fight. Her doctor informed her that the chances of celebrating multiple birthdays was small.
Stephanie and I didn’t know any of this when Lauren had been listening to us talk about the Lord. So she broke in and said, “I need what you have. I have put this off and now it’s time. I need to know God.” She went on to tell us how she was from a Catholic background and faithfully showed up to church on the Holy-days, but, she said, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get where you are.”
“So the evening and the morning were the first day.”
Did we tell her she had to ‘go to church?’ No! When you are getting strong chemo, sometimes it’s hard to walk into a crowded church for fear of sickness while the immune system is being compromised. (But going to church is a place to be encouraged in His word and meet others who can pray with you, and best of all to ‘worship Him’) But for Lauren to ‘know God’, we just told her, “He’s right here, with you now.” “He can hear your voice, He knows your thoughts. Talk to Him right where you are, in a still and quiet place in your heart. Pour out your heart to Him.”
But then she spoke of some things she did ‘wrong’. Yes, we feel it deep inside. Each of us, we carry such a heavy burden of ‘sin’ and carry it and carry it, day in and day out. (We are all sinners! Every single one of us!) But God is faithful, these are the words that we shared with Lauren, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9). God forgives our sin when we pray and ask Him to.
Lauren wasn’t ready for ANY of this, until that ‘very dark’ news. But she was open and ready NOW! God knows how long your ‘Night’ will be, He is the “Alpha, the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last. ” (Rev.22:13). “I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star.” (Rev. 22:16).
We told Lauren that God was only a prayer away. That the debt she owed for all the wrongs she ever did were paid in full by Jesus. And on that day, Lauren learned that Jesus loved her – the way she was, that He was with her – NOW and for all eternity. We told her to call on His name and pray. And dust off that Bible that she said she owned – and read the Psalms to learn how to cry out to God and the Book of John to get to know Jesus.
Lauren talked of limited time and how she just wanted her family to know how much she loved them! We never saw Lauren again. Stephanie and I pray, not knowing if she is still here physically on earth, but I believe in my heart, that she came to ‘know’ Jesus. This was a ‘new morning’ for her, she discovered the ‘Bright and Morning Star!’ Someday, we will meet again!
I can honestly say today, that I am so thankful to have been in that infusion chair on that special Friday with my friend Stephanie to have opportunity to be a part of Lauren’s ‘morning!’ Perhaps, physically, Lauren’s verdict was still on the dark side, but none of that matters anymore when spiritually you have awakened to the dawn. ‘And evening and morning were the FIRST DAY of the rest of her eternal life!
“And the Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” And let him who thirsts come. And whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.”(Revelation 22:17).
Receive the Lord Jesus in your life by simply talking to Him.Give Him your sin, He is the Only One who wants it and can wash it away in the power of His Blood on the cross. “If any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things have passed away, behold all things have become new.”(2 Cor. 5:17). “
“The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9).
It’s a whole new ‘birth’ day! …And the evening and the morning were the FIRST DAY!
" darkness…(but) And the Spirit of God moved…"
“…and darkness was upon the face of the deep.” (Gen. 1:2b). “And the earth was without form and void…” (Gen 1:2)
There is darkness! This earth is empty and void! This is the second verse in the whole of the Bible! We know this today, we can see it – there is darkness – just listen to the news!
Yes, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” This is the very first verse of the very first Book of the Bible.But then…”and there was darkness?” The mysteries, the questions! But God answers them all, if we only ask and seek and knock. God promises to open the mysteries of His word to us who ask! He does! We’ve got to keep asking, seeking and knocking.
You see, in my life, originally I had an eating disorder – believe me, ‘darkness was upon the face of the deep’ because no one could see it. I had, (and still have, a compulsive, impulsive personality. But with God the tiger is tamed, (OK, my husband and kids can all say that the ‘tiger’ is let out on occasion!) But, for the most part, with God all things are possible, and my impulsive and compulsive and ‘self-destructive’ and ‘dark’ personality are ‘tamed!’
The war of good and evil has been going on a l-o-n-g t-i-m-e, even from between Gen. 1:1 and Gen. 1:2! (This mystery has always fascinated me, and God chose Isaiah and Ezekiel to give us some light to this early war that has affected us greatly even today. Read Isaiah 14 and Ezekiel 28, it’s all there!) If there is an argument about exactly WHEN this occurred, does it really matter to argue, but we can all agree, the war took place! Hey, how did the serpent get there in that tree to meet Eve?! I think we can all agree, that serpent was out to get both Adam and Eve and you and me!
The earth was ‘without form and void’ and there was darkness. BUT... the word of God uses the word, ‘AND’…”And the Spirit of God moved…”(Gen. 1:2, (!) exclamation point, mine!)
Yes, there is darkness, (BUT) “And the Spirit of God moved…”
That is good news right from the beginning! You see, you and I and everyone that wakes up today faces a world that is ‘without form and void’ in some respects, and ‘darkness is upon the deep places’. We all feel it, we know it, we experience it everyday – But, “And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.” Gen. 1:2.
I didn’t know ‘how to eat’, or ‘how to think’ and I was ‘caught up’ in what ‘everyone else’ wanted me to be – and I was a mess, BUT, “And the Spirit of God moved…” The Spirit of God moved…me.
But God moved in my life. “And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.” (Gen 1:2).
The Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters, much like an ocean wave, washing away with great power and strength all my sin and doubt and insecurity. The Spirit of God moved upon me like an ocean wave with His word and set me free and gave me hope, and teaches me and reminds me and helps me because…
this world is empty and poor, without form and void.
Only when writing about God can you speak in the past and the present the same! He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. This earth is still filled with darkness, and without form and void – (BUT) “And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters!” The Spirit of God moves upon HIS WORD. If you don’t believe me, just like showing off God’s amazing ocean in a beautiful picture, ‘suffer me’ (an old Bible term), allow me to show you…
“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah
“There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, (the river is the ‘Spirit of God’ which’ moves like a river),the holy place of the tabernacle of the most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn. The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah (pause and think calmly on that!) (Psalm 46:1-7).
Yes, there is darkness. We all agree on that. However, God is in the midst, the Spirit of God is moving…OH, that we all believe and agree on that!
So, compulsive obsessive? yes, still am…but my theme song now? “Give me one pure and holy passion. Give me one magnificent obsession. Give me one glorious ambition for my life, to know and follow hard after Thee! To know and follow hard after Thee. To grow as Your disciple in the Truth.
This world is empty, pale and poor, compared to knowing You, my LORD, lead me on and I will run after You…
lead me on, and I will run after You.” (Magnificent Obsession,song).
Darkness? yes, in the world. But, “Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.”(Ps. 139:12). Oh, the mysteries, “And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters!” Mysterious? Keep asking, seeking and knocking. God will unfold His truth in you.
Trying to piece it all together…
Remembering when I was young, how I loved to sit in a rocking chair, all padded and cozy, and listen to music that my mom played on the record player! There’s an old Burt Bacherach song that comes to mind, now and again: “What’s it all about, Alfie?” “Is it just for the moment we live?” The song was written for a movie way back when in the 60’s called ‘Alfie’. The words come to mind: “What’s it all about, when you sort it out, Alfie?” “Are we meant to take more than we give? Or are we meant to be kind?” “And if only fools are kind, Alfie, then I guess it’s wise to be cruel.” “And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie, What will you lend on an old golden rule…”
This was a long time ago, when I would ponder the question, “What’s it all about?” And to tell you honestly, I didn’t even know what the ‘golden rule’ was. But it was in that rocking chair , as a young girl, that I also sat and listened to the soundtrack ‘A Chorus Line’ from the Broadway musical after my parents had made a NYC trip so many years ago.
Do you know that just listening to that soundtrack propelled a lot of the direction for my every waking breath and motivation for years to come? Dance classes, vocal lessons…and ultimately forgoing a college education and auditioning for school at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. I didn’t know anything really about God, but I so ‘believed’ in Him. Somehow, God used His ‘sky’ to keep drawing me. Literally, His sky! I would look at the amazing beauty of the sky, the clouds, the brightness of the blue, the stars at night…for me, the ‘heavens declared the glory of God’ to me. But I would look into that vast blue and ask, “What’s it all about?” And the song continues… (the Alfie song), “As sure as I believe there’s a heaven above, Alfie, I know there’s something much more, Something even non-believers can believe in, I believe in love,..”
Crazy, but of all songs that I continually worked on through school, it was “What I did for love” from ‘A Chorus Line’. Yes, that was my audition song. Imagine, this was the song I sang over and over again: “Kiss today good-by, the sweetness and the sorrow. We did what we had to do. But I can’t regret, What I did for love, what I did for love…” and it builds in the chorus: Gone,
Love is never gone. As we travel on…Love’s what we’ll remember… “Kiss today good-by, And point me toward tomorrow. We did what we had to do. Won’t forget, can’t regret, What I did for love… what I did for love.
So, today, I’m piecing it all together, just for myself …
So, I came to know Love. After struggling so long in my own skin with an eating disorder and amazing insecurity problems, (oh the mess we can be on the inside, even though the outside looks like everything is in order!) I gave God my life, I grew to know His Son whom He had sent, and He gave me so,so,so much life back. He gave me a husband, He gave me a child, then He gave me children,
then He gave me His comfort in His word, He gave me His direction when I needed it, He gave me His strength in my greatest times of weakness,
and He gave me His presence in my greatest times of fear, He gave me His love and assurance when my whole world came crashing down, He gave me hope when there seemed to be no hope, He gave me friends to adore Him with,
He gave me the piece to the puzzle, one piece at a time…
“What’s it all about? when you sort it out?…well, for me, it’s about my Love. And I will fail Him often, but He is faithful still. My righteousness has nothing to do with my messed up flesh, it’s about my faith in Him! That’s what it’s all about, Alfie…
And everything I did and ‘do’ for Love – for my husband to ‘ love and to cherish, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer,’till death do us part’;
for my children to ‘bear all things, to believe all things, (the best in them always), to hope all things’ for them in Christ, who is Love (and loves them even more than their mama does), and to endure all things (with them) and believe always and teach them always ’till my last breath, that…God’s love never fails. (1 Cor. 13).
What’s it all about? Is it just for the moment we live? No, moments come and go…but God, He is love. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the One who has gone before, and gave Himself for us. What’s it all about?
It’s about believing that God is who He says He is! So, I looked up that old song, ‘Alfie’ and guess what it says: I believe in love, Alfie, Without true love we just exist, Alfie. Until you find the love you’ve missed you’re nothing, Alfie.
I believe in Love. There is none like God’s love. None in all the world.
I believe and today?…well, “Kiss today good-bye, the sweetness and the sorrow…and I won’t regret what I did for Love,What I did for Love.”And I won’t regret anything I give to the One who loves me most. Putting Him First, I lose nothing at all. Death to myself to love my husband and my kids is impossible for me, but with Him all things are possible!
Today Lord, I want to give you it all, (and there is a lot of ‘self’ in that!). For this New Year Lord, I trust You, fill me, fill me with Your LOVE. I so lack love, Lord! God, in the end, You will piece it all together, if I just remember what it’s all about:“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”(1Cor. 13:13).
My Testimony. What God Did
You see, I grew up with only the fairy tales. I grew up with the finger’s – crossed and the blown up Easter Bunnies and Santa Clause coming to town, and also the tooth fairy – but the fears and the insecurities and then anger rooted itself so deep in me-that there was no way out.
All the believing I was doing was only in things like a vapor in a cloud.
When I reached for what I thought had substance to hold on to, it would simply vanish into thin air.
I moved away from my home in Arizona to NYC, and the ‘mess’ that was inside me was working its way to destroy every bit of life in me, the ‘mess’ manifested itself in an eating disorder. My life became unmanageable.
I wasn’t seeking God. I wasn’t thinking about God – but He knew me and He was watching me. So, in desperation, one day, I walked into a room filled with people with the same struggle and I read a poster on the wall- it only had one word on it- written in large letters: GOD.
The mystery? That written word on the wall was the beginning of the rest of my life.
You see, I needed something that had substance to hold on to – vapor couldn’t hold me.
I knew all the things that I needed to do. But, I had no power to do them. Self-destruction and defeat followed me like a shadow.
Somehow, I realized that GOD was the help I needed. I knew then and there that my only hope was Him.
I didn’t need some “religion’ or “going through the motions.” I needed a Savior.
I actually owned a Bible that was given to me in High School by the Key Club. I had packed it with me in my move from Arizona to NYC. Doesn’t everyone need to pack a Bible when moving from your hometown to NYC as a 19 year old?
I had an eating disorder.
My mind believed true things that weren’t: “You’re fat.” “You’ll never work off all those calories.” “There’s no hope for you.” “Why’d you eat that?”
Like a circus spinning in a hundred directions with scary clowns and music of confusion, my life was unraveling.
I had no peace.
I had the goals. I had the “how to” books.
But on that day, when my heart screamed inside of me, “I’m sick of being sick!”
Hunger set in. The exit door to this “life of insanity,” was my #1 goal. No more hiding behind pretty smiles with a self-defeating heart, I sat in a building that had the word: GOD.
My search for Him began. I bought a Bible and I started reading.
I remember reading one verse in particular, Jesus said it,“If any man come after Me, let him deny himself . . .” (Matthew 16:24).
God impressed upon my heart this thought, “Toni, you are destroying yourself with this impulsive – compulsive behavior. I want you to deny yourself of that – because I want to give you a life that is free and full.
“If any man come after Me, let him deny himself, pick up his cross, and follow Me.” As I was learning how to eat without ‘great panic’ ,and ‘denying myself ‘ the destructive behavior that occupied so much of my mental brain, time and energy, God had me focus on the next part of the verse: “pick up your cross…” And even though I didn’t really understand what ‘pick up your cross’ meant, God started helping me understand this simply to mean, ‘not my will but God’s’ .
This is what He wanted me to remember , that ‘picking up my cross was,’ Not my will that wanted to destroy all the good, but God’s will’ which was to love me and give me life and even abundant at that.
He wanted me to have joy.
God began to heal my angry spirit. I learned to continue to “follow Him” (Matthew 16:24), and not my own crazy roller coaster path, to the best of my ability. He drew me to Himself. And through time, He healed me completely, He saved me from the ‘self-destructive’ road I was traveling on, He raised me up from a pit and set my feet on a Rock.
He unveiled Himself in His word.
“Call unto Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you know not of.”(Jeremiah 33:3). He did for me, and He still is, day by day.
And the reason I tell my story. Because I want you to know that He did, and to be reminded that…
Nothing is impossible with God. (Matthew 17:20).